Overcoming Negative Messages we Tell Ourselves

Many who have been abused, misunderstood, and bullied all have one thing in common: Anger and Self Hate. There is a rage burning so deep inside and they don't always see how it is slowly destroying them. It’s as if people who are abused, regardless of how or why, continue to victimize themselves long after the abuser has left the picture.


They abuse themselves by turning to drugs and alcohol instead of facing their emotions head on. They can become sexually promiscuous, not caring about STD’s or pregnancy. The examples can range from the extreme to small like those who undervalue themselves in the workplace. Logically none of these decisions make any sense. Why would any sane person destroy themselves? Many people believe that if they were abused, that they could walk away from that life, knowing that the issue was with the abuser, not themselves. That may be the case for some, but it is rare.

 
Most people who have been abused don't set out to undermine themselves. It is more of a subconscious act. The abuse often continues within the persons' brain. There are thoughts, “tapes” that constantly play in the mind. Often these tapes have the personality, voice, or phrases that were used by their abuser. The thinking part of the person knows that the tapes lie, but it wasn’t the thinking part of the person that was damaged.  These deep inset messages can pop up at any time, especially when the psyche is vulnerable. The words that play in people’s heads are endlessly different as is their outcome.

Imagine entering a crowded room and hearing “You’re worthless and I don’t know why I had you” running in your head. How would that change your interactions with people?

Looking in a mirror and hearing “No one will love you if you are fat”, how can you ever truly be self-confident?

When choosing friends or mates hearing “If you weren’t so bad, I wouldn’t hit you”. Would that alter who you pick to be near you? Would that lead you to people who will also abuse you?

When dealing with people, who have been abused or bullied, it is important to get them to become aware of the tapes playing in their head. What do the tapes say? Who is saying them? What emotions do the phrases or words bring to the surface? When do they hear these tapes? Are they more frequent when there is stress anger, or sadness? Some of the things we tell ourselves are easily detected; others are deeply hidden or come out in humor, sarcasm or other deflection.

Once they become aware of the tapes playing in their head, they can then begin to defeat them. Another phrase needs to be chosen to counteract the damaging voice; new mantra’s need to be created.

 

For example, if they hear “No one will love you if you are fat”, it can be countered with “what a lie, I am surrounded by people who love me no matter what.” If a person hears “you deserve to be treated this way”, countering it with “I deserve to be treated with love and respect.”

It will take some time, but eventually that negative voice will be silenced or at least quieted. The hardest part is facing those messages head on, coming to terms with who said them, and resolving the emotions those tapes bring. Creating new, positive messages will help to repair the damage done to their soul. By stopping the negative hurtful messages, it will help them to learn self-love and self-respect, the keys to ending self-sabotage and abuse that creates a lifetime of pain.

 

 

 

Bullying - why it's not being stopped

One of my kids came home and told me of a situation that occurred at her high school. A friend of hers in art class was distraught and upon asking what was wrong, she was let into a piece of this girl's pain. The girl was on the bus riding to school when the incident happened. Though there is a camera running at all times, it only serves to catch incidents of physical violence or mischief. It does nothing to stop the most common type of bullying which is verbal.  A boy the girl had once "messed around" with started picking on her to anyone who would listen. He called her horrible names and said that her vagina smelled of rotten fish. The sexual innuendo succeeded in attracting everyone's attention.

Her red face led many to believe that what he said was true. Others on the bus either openly joined in by calling her names or they joined in by participating in passive bullying; laughing and gossiping.  Passive bullying often leaves the offender feeling not as guilty even though they laughed and may have even told the rumor to others. Throughout her day this girl was called fish and she felt whispered about by others. By art class, she had had enough and was on the verge of tears. Condolences and meaningless sayings such as "no one will remember", "their just jerks, ignore them" did little to fix the pain.

When I hear of a bullying incident my first reaction is anger. What is wrong with these kids? Why isn't the school doing more? Where are the bully's parents? After all, who hasn't heard of the school shootings that seem to have bullying and cruelty at the heart? Though anger is a normal reaction, it is a wasted one because it does no good. Anger only begets anger, retaliation only continues the cycle, punishment only further incenses the bully; all of these have been tried before and have failed. The school can hang posters and have seminars but if there are children in the school who have emotional and self-esteem issues, bullying will continue. The only thing that will work is Love and Compassion for all involved. A bully is usually hurting just as much as the child bullied. Bully's need to be asked "Why do you hate yourself so much, that you hurt other people?” Children who are secure in their world don't need to make others feel small. What is happening in a bully's world that makes them want to strike out to others? These are the questions that need to be asked and dealt with. That which we resist only grows stronger. Punishing someone who is punishing others does NOTHING to break the cycle.

Anti-bullying campaigns that focus on punishment and isolation don’t have a good track record. It only perpetuates the bully's feelings of inadequacy and fuels anger. What we need to do is have programs in school that develop a child's self-esteem. Children need to learn that they are special and valued for being good, decent people. If they are not getting this message at home, then the school needs to be teaching it. Healthy self-esteem, not ego, helps children to learn empathy and compassion. It also bully proofs your children so that they will not allow another person to make them feel less than. No one escapes the damage done by bullying, not the bully, the victim, the passive bully, nor the bystander. We are all tainted by the negativity and violence.

Animals can help heal you

When I was 13 I felt really hopeless and depressed. Living in a chaotic, alcoholic, abusive household had taken its toll. I was done. I couldn't see what life had to offer me besides what it had already given. One night I was in my room with a razor blade hacking into my wrists. My mom's intuition must have been right on as she opened the door to my room and saw that I was trying to hide the damage. She screamed and yelled, dragged me down to the bathroom to clean my wounds. I hadn't cut deep and I hadn't cut the right direction to warrant a hospital trip. Therefore it was kept as another family secret. 

I never tried to commit suicide again. I saw the grief in my parent's eyes and heard my mom screaming in fear and confusion, I realized that I couldn't cause them that kind of pain. I had to find another way to deal with my overwhelming sadness.  One evening my parents were fighting and I had to escape, I just couldn't take the negative energy bouncing around the house. So I went outside, sat on the picnic table and cried, when my dog came and sat beside me. I hugged her and started to tell her everything that was wrong. Freckles just looked at me, didn't judge me, didn't talk back or make me feel stupid. At one point she offered me her paw as if to say, "It's OK, I love you." It helped calm me down and for a short time I felt at peace.  Until I moved out of the house at 19, Freckles and I had many such chats. It was through her that I learned what unconditional love looked and felt like.

Animals have the ability to heal us through unconditional love. Unlike people, when we share with them our sorrows, they do not absorb the negative energy. When we pet them, our blood pressure goes down, our breathing slows down, and we experience an overall calming feeling. For some of us, pets offer us true unconditional love. Connect your heart chakra to theirs and let the healing begin.