Bullying - why it's not being stopped

One of my kids came home and told me of a situation that occurred at her high school. A friend of hers in art class was distraught and upon asking what was wrong, she was let into a piece of this girl's pain. The girl was on the bus riding to school when the incident happened. Though there is a camera running at all times, it only serves to catch incidents of physical violence or mischief. It does nothing to stop the most common type of bullying which is verbal.  A boy the girl had once "messed around" with started picking on her to anyone who would listen. He called her horrible names and said that her vagina smelled of rotten fish. The sexual innuendo succeeded in attracting everyone's attention.

Her red face led many to believe that what he said was true. Others on the bus either openly joined in by calling her names or they joined in by participating in passive bullying; laughing and gossiping.  Passive bullying often leaves the offender feeling not as guilty even though they laughed and may have even told the rumor to others. Throughout her day this girl was called fish and she felt whispered about by others. By art class, she had had enough and was on the verge of tears. Condolences and meaningless sayings such as "no one will remember", "their just jerks, ignore them" did little to fix the pain.

When I hear of a bullying incident my first reaction is anger. What is wrong with these kids? Why isn't the school doing more? Where are the bully's parents? After all, who hasn't heard of the school shootings that seem to have bullying and cruelty at the heart? Though anger is a normal reaction, it is a wasted one because it does no good. Anger only begets anger, retaliation only continues the cycle, punishment only further incenses the bully; all of these have been tried before and have failed. The school can hang posters and have seminars but if there are children in the school who have emotional and self-esteem issues, bullying will continue. The only thing that will work is Love and Compassion for all involved. A bully is usually hurting just as much as the child bullied. Bully's need to be asked "Why do you hate yourself so much, that you hurt other people?” Children who are secure in their world don't need to make others feel small. What is happening in a bully's world that makes them want to strike out to others? These are the questions that need to be asked and dealt with. That which we resist only grows stronger. Punishing someone who is punishing others does NOTHING to break the cycle.

Anti-bullying campaigns that focus on punishment and isolation don’t have a good track record. It only perpetuates the bully's feelings of inadequacy and fuels anger. What we need to do is have programs in school that develop a child's self-esteem. Children need to learn that they are special and valued for being good, decent people. If they are not getting this message at home, then the school needs to be teaching it. Healthy self-esteem, not ego, helps children to learn empathy and compassion. It also bully proofs your children so that they will not allow another person to make them feel less than. No one escapes the damage done by bullying, not the bully, the victim, the passive bully, nor the bystander. We are all tainted by the negativity and violence.