Girls leading with the Sacral Chakra

On facebook Deborah King posts questions daily to help prompt journaling. A recent question was if a teacher had ever hurt or discouraged us. In an instant my mind went back to the 8th grade.

I went to a small Catholic elementary school that went from K - 8th grade. There were approx 45 kids in my graduating class. For the most part I was an outcast. Kids instinctively know when there is something not right with a kid. When a child is not getting what they need from the home, they don't relate to their peers with self confidence and honestly. When a classmate did decide to let me in or come over for a birthday party, invariably something would happen. My mom would act crazy yelling about something and in some cases even hitting me in front of friends. Or she and my father got into a fight with lots of cussing, screaming, and the threat of violence in the air. Even if a classmate did like me, they would avoid me after that. A glimpse into my world was enough. The general demographic for the school was white children being raised in a two parent household where they were doing their best to project that their households are picture perfect. I am not naive enough to think that my family was the only one with secrets. My family just didn't have the self control to hide it well. I did have one good friend. Her name was Dawn and her family life wasn't the norm either. She was being raised by a single mom when it was just not common. We bonded in our inability to fit in. Things changed when she moved away after the 6th grade year. Seventh grade was really hard for me. I didn't have my one good friend and I was lonely. I still was an outcast with the popular kids and those on the lower social tier in my class just barely tolerated me. I had started making up stories, lying to them to make myself into someone, anyone other than my real self. Kids, they are smart and they can see through that as well.

Something happened during the summer after 7th grade. My pudgy child body transformed itself into a well developed, voluptuous, curvy body. I noticed during the summer at the pool that the older boys were noticing. I realized then that there was power in sexuality. When I returned to school for my final 8th grade year, not much seemed to have changed. I was still the freak, but there was this air about me of knowing, knowing about the power of sexuality and I wasn't afraid to use it. The girls in my class HATED me even more, but now I didn't care. I had found the attention I craved from the the boys.

In my home neighborhood I had also found boys. I would walk my dog to the local park and there would be other kids there. Like moths to a flame. As I explored my power outside of school, my self-confidence increased inside of school. I was transforming. I learned how to flirt and how to use my body to gain what I wanted. At the time it was the only power I held. I couldn't control my father's drinking. I couldn't control my mother's rage and hate. I couldn't control the feeling that there must be some reason I didn't deserve to be loved and cherished. I COULD control my sexuality. I knew that I had something the boys wanted, not only 8th grade boys but high school boys as well. I had the control. One might think that I must have had sex with so many... but that was giving the power away. There was much more power in holding what was wanted just within reach. The thought of what could be granted made quite a few jump through insane hoops.

There was at an evening 8th graduation party with all of my classmates and one of my teachers was a chaperon. During the party, I walked with a guy to get something down the street at his house. Completely innocent. The teacher saw that I had disappeared and when she went with a couple of other girls to find me she told one of them that I was probably "on my back somewhere". When I did return to the party, one of those girls told me in front of the teacher what had been said. I looked at this teacher, someone I looked up to, my English teacher (my favorite subject), she looked back at me and didn't deny it, her eyes confirmed that she had indeed said it. I remember laughing it off and even giving the boy I had left with a look like "oh OK...whatever" I have NEVER forgotten it. In that instant she made me feel like trash, back to that outcast kid who would never fit in.

Was she reacting to the signs I had given? Absolutely. I was a child venturing into the world of sexuality at to young an age. There was nothing innocent about me. I knew exactly what I was doing and who I was manipulating. I understood the power. I was leading with my 2nd chakra, the Sacral chakra.

What angers me the most is that this educator had a choice. She saw what was happening, the changes in me, and she chose to call it out instead of choosing to find out what was going on in my life. Why didn't she take a moment to sit me down and find out why I only valued myself for my physical attributes and sexual power?

Today I volunteer in a middle school and I see the girls that lead with their sexuality, that are trying to find their place in the world, their self confidence by using their body and sexual power. Their female classmates call them Sluts, their male classmates drool, and the teachers just shake their heads. Why isn't anyone asking WHY? WHY do these girls feel the need to exert themselves in such a way. Where is their self confidence in their sports ability, academics, or in being a good person in general? Who or what has taken that away from them? Why are some educators and counselors so afraid to talk about sex that they just want to shake their heads and DO NOTHING? Instead many of them wager "I bet she will be pregnant by the time she is 16".

I read a book recently that helped to put the crisis many young girls face into words. "Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls" by Mary Pipher. This book should be mandatory reading for all middle/high school teachers and even parents of girls. We need to be able to see the signs of kids leading with their sexuality and teach them other ways to have confidence. We need to find out what is going on in their lives that make them feel as if they have no control. When you lead only with the Sacral Chakra, other areas might suffer, self esteem and self worth could be compromised.

Overcoming Negative Messages we Tell Ourselves

Many who have been abused, misunderstood, and bullied all have one thing in common: Anger and Self Hate. There is a rage burning so deep inside and they don't always see how it is slowly destroying them. It’s as if people who are abused, regardless of how or why, continue to victimize themselves long after the abuser has left the picture.


They abuse themselves by turning to drugs and alcohol instead of facing their emotions head on. They can become sexually promiscuous, not caring about STD’s or pregnancy. The examples can range from the extreme to small like those who undervalue themselves in the workplace. Logically none of these decisions make any sense. Why would any sane person destroy themselves? Many people believe that if they were abused, that they could walk away from that life, knowing that the issue was with the abuser, not themselves. That may be the case for some, but it is rare.

 
Most people who have been abused don't set out to undermine themselves. It is more of a subconscious act. The abuse often continues within the persons' brain. There are thoughts, “tapes” that constantly play in the mind. Often these tapes have the personality, voice, or phrases that were used by their abuser. The thinking part of the person knows that the tapes lie, but it wasn’t the thinking part of the person that was damaged.  These deep inset messages can pop up at any time, especially when the psyche is vulnerable. The words that play in people’s heads are endlessly different as is their outcome.

Imagine entering a crowded room and hearing “You’re worthless and I don’t know why I had you” running in your head. How would that change your interactions with people?

Looking in a mirror and hearing “No one will love you if you are fat”, how can you ever truly be self-confident?

When choosing friends or mates hearing “If you weren’t so bad, I wouldn’t hit you”. Would that alter who you pick to be near you? Would that lead you to people who will also abuse you?

When dealing with people, who have been abused or bullied, it is important to get them to become aware of the tapes playing in their head. What do the tapes say? Who is saying them? What emotions do the phrases or words bring to the surface? When do they hear these tapes? Are they more frequent when there is stress anger, or sadness? Some of the things we tell ourselves are easily detected; others are deeply hidden or come out in humor, sarcasm or other deflection.

Once they become aware of the tapes playing in their head, they can then begin to defeat them. Another phrase needs to be chosen to counteract the damaging voice; new mantra’s need to be created.

 

For example, if they hear “No one will love you if you are fat”, it can be countered with “what a lie, I am surrounded by people who love me no matter what.” If a person hears “you deserve to be treated this way”, countering it with “I deserve to be treated with love and respect.”

It will take some time, but eventually that negative voice will be silenced or at least quieted. The hardest part is facing those messages head on, coming to terms with who said them, and resolving the emotions those tapes bring. Creating new, positive messages will help to repair the damage done to their soul. By stopping the negative hurtful messages, it will help them to learn self-love and self-respect, the keys to ending self-sabotage and abuse that creates a lifetime of pain.